Monologue Jokes

“Issues of Playboy and Penthouse will no longer be sold at military stores. As a result, all boners on military bases will be displayed at half-mast. ”
 
Highlighted
12/28/19

Jussie Smollett announced that he was donating $10,000 dollars to a kids program in Flint, Michigan. Smollett said the check should clear soon as the money gets transferred back from two guys in Nigeria.

12/27/19

The former CEO of Uber recently announced that he will leave the company. He said that his departure from the company should be immediate, but could take anywhere from 10 to 15 minutes depending on peak hours.

12/21/19

It was discovered that the US Department of Agriculture currently lists Wakanda — the fictional home of Marvel’s Black Panther — as a free-trade partner on their website. The department says says they would correct the error, but they wouldn’t want to jeopardize any trade alliances with Asgard.

12/20/19 - 2

The new "Star Wars" movie is now on track to be the worst reviewed movie in the franchise. Said one unnamed source, “Meesa relief.”

12/19/19

The House voted to impeach Donald Trump yesterday — or as everyone on social media called it, “the day we all found out who didn’t pay attention during civics class.”

12/18/19

Donald Trump put out a letter yesterday saying that Nancy Pelosi’s prayers for him are “not genuine.” That shows you how little the president knows about Catholicism, because passive aggressive prayers are EXACTLY how Catholics pray for those closest to them.

 

January 2020 Jokes

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1/1/20

Mariah Carey’s Twitter was hacked yesterday. Fans grew suspicious it wasn’t the real Mariah Carey when she went for a full hour without congratulating herself for writing “All I Want For Christmas is You.”

December 2019 Jokes

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12/31/19

Presidential hopeful Pete Buttigieg said he is open to decriminalizing all drugs. So basically, New Year's Party at Mayor Pete’s!

12/30/19

Ivanka Trump says she may not return to her father's administration if he gets elected to a second term. And yet, somehow Eric and Donald Jr. would still be tied for third favorite child.

12/29/19

Spotify says they won't air political ads this election season because they're too hard to verify. That is, provided you watch one really long Home Depot commercial to skip them.

12/28/19

Jussie Smollett announced that he was donating $10,000 dollars to a kids program in Flint, Michigan. Smollett said the check should clear soon as the money gets transferred back from two guys in Nigeria.

12/27/19

The former CEO of Uber recently announced that he will leave the company. He said that his departure from the company should be immediate, but could take anywhere from 10 to 15 minutes depending on peak hours.

12/26/19

During his annual Christmas address, The Pope urged nations around the world to take better care of refugees. The pope later clarified, “specifically Pras. Lauryn Hill and Wyclef Jean seem to be doing ok on their own.”

12/25/19 - 2

Yesterday, Donald Trump admitted he still hasn’t picked up a Christmas present for his wife Melania. Forget impeachment, if he doesn’t come up with something soon, Melania’s gonna be the one kicking him out of the White House.

12/25/19

The White House created a website for Trump supporters that includes talking points to help them win arguments against their liberal family members this Christmas. The website is just one lengthy paragraph encouraging supporters to repeat how they have “the very best talking points, better than anyone else at this table -- including grandma” without ever making one coherent argument.

12/24/19

A runaway teen was found living inside of a Bed Bath and Beyond. Turns out they were able to make shelter out of a pile of unused 20% off coupons.

12/23/19

According to a new study, half of Americans will be overweight by the year 2030. "Challenge accepted," said Americans everywhere.

12/22/19

The Prince classic “Purple Rain” has just been added to the Library of Congress’ National Film Registry classic lists. Preservationists have specifically cited the film’s educational value of teaching the youth about the importance of Lake Minnetonka.

12/21/19

It was discovered that the US Department of Agriculture currently lists Wakanda — the fictional home of Marvel’s Black Panther — as a free-trade partner on their website. The department says says they would correct the error, but they wouldn’t want to jeopardize any trade alliances with Asgard.

12/20/19 - 2

The new "Star Wars" movie is now on track to be the worst reviewed movie in the franchise. Said one unnamed source, “Meesa relief.”

12/20/19

After forty two years, the final installment of the “Star Wars” Skywalker saga was released yesterday. It’s been an emotional day for fans. I don’t want to give any major spoilers away, but I have to say it was really surprising to see “your childhood” appear as a force ghost at the end.

12/19/19

The House voted to impeach Donald Trump yesterday — or as everyone on social media called it, “the day we all found out who didn’t pay attention during civics class.”

12/18/19

Donald Trump put out a letter yesterday saying that Nancy Pelosi’s prayers for him are “not genuine.” That shows you how little the president knows about Catholicism, because passive aggressive prayers are EXACTLY how Catholics pray for those closest to them.

12/17/19

The inventor of the UPC — the 12 digit barcodes used to identify items at the grocery store — died this week. Authorities were initially unsure if they found the right body until they heard a *BEEP BEEP* after scanning his body.

12/16/19

A Pennsylvania court rejected Bill Cosby's sexual assault conviction appeal this week. If I were his lawyers, I'd watch what I was drinking, because you know he doesn't take rejection well.

12/15/19

The Patriots were caught illegally videotaping another NFL team. So you know what that means: 6 more weeks of winter!

12/14/19

Apple has been accused of monitoring their employees text messages. Employees said they knew something was up when they kept seeing those three dots appear on all of their messages.

12/13/19

During an appearance with Lizzo this week, presidential hopeful Pette Buttigieg declared he was “100 percent that nominee.” Annnnnnnd that’s the sound of me not calling him back.

12/12/19

Joe Biden is reportedly telling aides that he would not seek a second term if he was elected President. Though I don’t know if that's true. If there’s one thing that we know about Joe Biden, it’s that he’s not afraid to linger until it’s uncomfortable.

12/11/19

It was announced today that Russia will not be allowed to compete in the 2020 Olympics.  Said Russia, “it’s ok, US Election years are very busy seasons for us.”

  • It was just announced that the world is running out of wine. Insiders say it’s so bad they may have to cancel the fourth hour of the “Today” show. 

  • Corey Harrison from “Pawn Stars” said he lost over 192 pounds last week. Unfortunately, since he’s no longer in his original form it means he’s way less valuable.

  • Ratings for NBC’s “Meet the Press” have hit a 21-year low. Which may explain why the show’s name has now been changed to “For the Love of God, Meet the Press.” 

  • A cat expert says that we stress out cats by treating them like they’re dogs. Although, if you ask me, it sounds like they’re just being a bunch of pussies about it. 

  • According to a new report legal marijuana is the fastest growing industry in the United States. Which is truly remarkable, especially when you consider how fast people who smoke weed normally move. 

  • A new study claims that binge watching television is linked to depression. The study goes on to state that the only thing more depressing for binge watchers is when they read a study that says binge watching is linked to depression. 

  • 83% of Americas believe the country is on the wrong track. The other 17% want to know how in the hell the country ended up on a train. 

  • A group of scientists in Massachusetts claim they have replicated the effects of alzheimer’s disease in a petri-dish. Now if they can only remember where they put it... 

  • A 95-year-old woman retired from Target this week. Or as Target put it, she was “marked down” for clearance. 

  • New reports claim that Facebook data scientists can figure out who you’re sleeping with even if your relationship isn’t “Facebook official.” Even worse: There are Facebook data scientists? 

  • Twitter is easing rules that will now allow all users to send direct messages to one another, even if they don’t follow each other. “This is great news,” said the guy who highly recommends you click this link. 

  • There’s a new app that will now allow you to send money via email. The name of this new app is called: Your Parents. 

  • A woman at Starbucks dropped a purse with a loaded gun, causing a bullet to accidentally hit her friend. Although, to be fair, she did ask for a double shot.