DA FUQ is a regular segment on this website where I watch shows so you don't have to.  Opinions will tend to be strong, so please do not proceed unless you have a good sense of humor.  Thank you.

So technically yesterday the MTV VMAs were supposed to honor Rihanna with the prestigious Michael Jackson Video Vanguard award, but then stopped the middle of the show to let Beyonce takeover.  

Literally.

Mind you, MTV already gave Beyonce a 15 minute showcase a few years back when they handed her the Video Vanguard award (like they were intending to do with Rihanna last night), but then it seemed like somewhere in the middle of planning this year's music event the just kinda said, "you know what, fuck it, if Beyonce wants to come to do the show, we'll let her do and say whatever she wants." 

I believe this tweet accurately sums it all up.

So to set some kind of compromise, MTV tried something new.  Instead of giving Rihanna a 15 minute spot in the middle of the show (before presenting the music channel's sacred moonman), they let her take the stage FOUR times.

Yep.  

Each five minute Rihanna segment designed to showcase the impressive array of hits the Barbados pop princess has assembled over the past decade. 

And it was mediocre.

I mean, just look at this.

And if you're counting run time of performances and segments that DIDN'T include Beyonce or Rihanna you were left with just two hours of other stuff (which included a very well publicized return to the VMA stage from Britney Spears).  

So here's the shit that you need to know in five bullet points.

1. Jimmy Fallon dressed up as Ryan Locthe and made a joke about being held at gunpoint.

2. Britney pretended to sing into a headset, then switched to a regular microphone (because why not?) -- all while doing the exact same choreography you've seen her do a million times before.

3. Drake missed winning an award earlier in the night because he was stuck in traffic.

4. Despite never being announced as the official hosts of the show, Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele were essentially the hosts of the evening's festivities.

It was odd.  The bit seemed a bit misplaced at first, but later provided a necessary means of transitioning the show when big moments hit (Beyonce) or fizzled (Britney).  

5. Kanye West was given the chance to speak his mind for six minutes and then premiered a new music video he dubbed, "his art."

I decided to post the link to the video above for the ten people who signed up for Tidal, because Kanye owes Jay Z a favor.

Anyway, here are some high/low lights from the rest of the evening (in tweet form), but before that: On the next episode of Early Late Night, I'll be taking solicitations for the following prompt: 

WHAT DO YOU WISH HAPPENED AT THIS YEAR'S VMAS

Hit me up with your best responses in the comment section and the best ones will get read on the next episode.

And The Rest...

He Really Won't Stop

I Think He's A Rapper... Maybe.

It All Falls Down

Super Original Work! Never Gets Old!

Rihanna Who?

I Wanna Go (Home, Y'all) 

Guess They All Know What It's Like To Go To Work

America's Greatest Olympian, People

Oh, And One Last Thing Before I Go, Not a SINGLE WORD About Prince Tonight.  Good Work, MTV!